i have a sort of selfish and silly confession that requires a little rambling before i actually get to the point, so bear with me. i don't feel at home as i used to on Digs, and so i very rarely post there. i guess i am at a different stage in my life now, even from the new mommies--who i dearly love and on whom i wish the best--who post their respective quandries and questions. and further, i don't feel comfortable in even going near the TTC thread because of my own situation and the way in which The Governor entered my life. Is the fact that I got pregnant accidentally in and of itself something that stands in the way of me having any dialogue with someone who is TTC? I feel like it is. For what it's worth, my life isn't perfect and there are so, so, so many things that I could vent about or talk about...but I feel like no one would really be able to empathize. Or maybe, my talking about those things and even having problems with preschool illnesses or temper tantrums or still post-pregnancy weight issues makes people want to stay away, I don't really know.
Lola once asked me whether it was strange for me because I was the first Digster to ever get pregnant while actively posting. I never had a Digs shower. I never got to commune with anyone about teething/nursing/walking/talking. And now, The Governor is past all of those stages and now he has all of these new things, like Spiderman underwear and potty pooping bribery and obstinance in learning his sounds (although he is very enthusiastic about his numbers and artwork). But there's no one on Digs to really talk to about those things. I mean I can talk about that, and people will say, "oh that's nice," but it's not really the same thing. And furthermore, Conan and I have had this extended discussion about whether or not we were actually going to have a second child--and deep down inside I know that that is a very real possibility. So I have my own little feelings of loss that are a little different. But to post that in a place where there is a lot of people going through significant hardships to even get pregnant would seem, I don't know, insignificant. And it makes me feel a little bit selfish, because it's not even set in stone yet.
I look around at all of the things I have and all of the things that I have accomplished in the past 4 plus years that I have accomplished since I joined Digs. By nature of all of those things, I've become a different person-not better, just different. I don't identify anymore with grad school decisionmaking, getting engaged and planning a wedding--and now having a bitty baby in the house. Yes, sure I can weigh in or answer questions or whatever, but I just don't get the same things out of posting anymore. To be honest, I'm not really sure what that means.
For the most part, I'll still be visiting and part of any and all blog rings, etc., but as for Digs itself, I think for now I just visit and pop in occasionally.
Posted by equilibrium-girl at January 19, 2005 12:50 PMIt makes me a little sad to see that you feel this way, but I don't know why because it makes perfect sense. Maybe it makes me sad because if you had come to feel this way just a little bit earlier I wouldn't have gotten to know you, and I'm really glad I did.
Posted by: J Strizzy at January 19, 2005 08:36 PMI know you've felt this on and off for a while and it still makes me sad. A big welcoming hug. Maybe there needs to be another site for the "next stage" in life, whatever that may happen to be!
Posted by: CTG at January 19, 2005 09:52 PMYou know, it's weird, I feel much more connected to the journals I read, and those who read mine, than I do to Digs itself anymore. (Of course, I was saying that in NYC 2 years ago, too!) The only threads I'm really invested in are the TTC/etc threads (and Online Journals, interestingly enough) and I miss the old days a bit . . . And don't for one second feel weird about how Q got here when we're dealing with TTC. My best friend has 3 surprises, and seriously, I think in many ways that's the best way to get them... it's hard and stressful to be working at it and having it be unsuccessful, but then I see pics of Q on christmas morning, or with pumpkins, and I think "THAT is why I'm doing this." You are so inspiring to me as a person, not just a mother, and I hope you at least keep posting in your journal(s) just so I can have an idea of how things are going in your world!
Posted by: gretchen at January 19, 2005 10:19 PMHi, yeah, can I raise my hand in agreement? Like you, I only post occassionally, and like greschya, my perusing and lurking are limited to certain threads. I just got bored of some of the drama in outside life (although I do loves me a good troll rumble). I also feel odd posting about my lentil's amazing accomplishments in the face of certain digster struggles with conceiving. It just seems uncaring and inconsiderate to gloat about how easy it was to get pregnant on the boards now.
But I am so glad to have met you, and have thought of emailing you about little issues here and there. In the end, I'm just glad you're here in my cyberworld, and I can still check your (many) blogs with my endearingly obsessive way.
as a sidenote, have you ever thought of starting your own boards? I contemplate it all the time, then think it would just end up being a party where nobody came, you know? sigh. ramble ramble ramble. at least I can poo in the potty like a big girl. lovelola
SB--I love reading your journal and your posts on Digs. Like everyone else who has commented, I feel more connected to Digsfolk through their journals and only sporadically post myself. Having been in the same "conception boat" as you, I know the feeling of not wanting to get involved in the TTC boards. Not only is this bean a surprise, but previously J and I thought we would never have children. Ha!
Though we are in completely different industries, reading your trials, tribulations, and joys in the quest of juggling life, love, family, career, and self is very inspiring to me. I sometimes think that city living, career, and family will be more than I can handle.
This is getting too long. My point is, I appreciate all you are in this here cyber-world and look forward to your musings.
Posted by: kb at January 20, 2005 08:22 AMI really admire you, and I feel as though I've come to know a little portion of your life through digs and this diary... and I'm very glad you're still writing.
Posted by: jeanne at January 20, 2005 07:53 PMI'm glad I read your journal. It makes me feel more connected to you now that you don't post on Digs very much. You're a cool chick, J. I think you might be suprised how many people would enjoy a thread about older kids and their accomplishments. I plan to adopt my kids, but I still support those who are TTC and feel like they support me, too. At least, nobody has ever said anything negative to ME. I don't want to be pregnant and they do, and it seems we're all fine with it. You got pregnant easily, and they haven't been so lucky. And that's okay, too. I say post if you want to. I love reading about Q. He was the first, after all! I still chuckle when I remember, "resist the force of green beans you cannot." I had that as my desktop for ages.
Posted by: breana at January 21, 2005 05:00 PMoh...this makes me sad SB. I wish you didn't feel that way, but I understand why you do. Even though I wasn't around when you were super-active there, I miss you on Digs. I'm really glad that you have this blog. I, too, find your stories very inspirational and entertaining. I hope you'll pop in more often than not.
Posted by: jazzberry at January 24, 2005 03:09 AMMy sentiments exactly.
Posted by: brooke at January 24, 2005 12:48 PM