equilibrium-girl.com

So She Ponders

Transmogriflaw is pondering the return to work after having been off due to the birth of her son. I posted a comment in it, but the entry has really made me think about how much success in the legal profession should really play in someone's life, particularly if that someone happens to be a mom.

"The private side isn't for everyone," I told my friend Junior today when he called. "If you are someone whose self-esteem hinges on things besides your job and money, you might have issues with working at a firm." I was lucky in some respects to find good mentors here and there--people who just wanted to be good lawyers and wanted me to be a good lawyer too. People that gave me chances, and knew my capabilities. People whose emails would appear at 10 p.m. on my BlackBerry screen, but did not expect an answer until later that week, but got them from me the next morning.

For the longest time, I clung desperately to the notion that I could conquer firm life with competence. For a while, it worked because I had great bosses, and because my past experience provided me with additional background and credibility. But law firm partners are human, regardless of what mental promotions beyond this state they may accord themselves. Humans..they aren't always inclined to reward competence, particularly if they have other priorities. If this only happened occasionally, I could mentally assign it the "anomaly" label and move on. But it didn't happen occasionally-it happened frequently. I didn't want the stress of negotiating landmines with the complex weight of motherhood strapped to my back.

And so I made other arrangements. It took some time, energy, and blows to my ego, but I finally landed. I've begun the process of re-building my self-esteem, but I am a far way off from feeling right about myself. The problem with this current job is that mistakes must be made--that really is the only way to learn. But mistakes are the catalysts of endless internal dialogues concerning competence. I'm trying, really trying not to let it get to me--but invariably it does.