equilibrium-girl.com

The Only Thing Certain: Uncertainty

one of my mentors called me last week, and since he's been going through a transition at his job, i asked how things were going.

"Miserable," he said, after a pause of about 2.45 seconds. He then explained that they'd been quite busy, which I'd known already: most inside-the-Beltway practitioners in our area have a habit of already knowing things like this. We couldn't really talk, since he had to take a transatlantic call that he'd been expecting, but I've been wondering how he is doing.

Many of my former colleagues have been swamped to the gills, and I guess we're all dealing with some of the same types of things. But in many ways, I don't have a lot of people to talk to about my current work. There is a risk of confidentiality--everyone is extremely close-knit and if I inadvertently leak some bit of information, it gets passed along a chain of communications. They funny thing is that all of it is inadvertent: we all want to keep each other apprised of how our friends are doing, and the status of a particular project or sometimes even one's temporary mental state can be quite telling.

The other thing is that there are only a handful of peole who know about the specific balance between "everyday" work and "big project" work that I try to accomplish. And all of those people are managers or co-workers of mine. If I were to vent about it a bit, I would wonder if it would affect my reviews. Not that I need help in that area--sometimes I feel like I'm just bumbling along in my job, making mistake after mistake. Nobody ever tells you before "transitioning" that this form of practice is hard too: while there are none of stresses than those that accompany private practice, there are still stresses. Fucking up so that the lesson sticks with you like quality jasmine rice is really the only way to learn this job. I got thrown into the deep end since day 1, and I still can't tell if I've learned to tread water. The clients all seem to like me, regardless of the amount of times I'd forgotten to send the redlined document, so I think I may be doing something right. But deep in my gut, I feel that I'm really not quite sure.

I haven't felt the urge to make any jewelry lately, although there is a necklace that I need to photograph for PrincessJeanne. I haven't written much, and I haven't sewn in a very, very long time. The human experiement of creativity is not yielding very good results, but it's not one that I'm going to scrap just yet.