I shouldn't feel too guilty about playing half-hooky tomorrow. I'd spent a good four hours this afternoon at the office cleaning off my "review" plate and emptying out my inbox, and there isn't a lot left, save long-term projects that I could pick up on Tuesday afternoon. But still, I subject myself to the completely irrational belief that my employer will fire me if I lag behind slightly to attend to my personal and family needs over the next couple of days.
I've become the girl whose job has engulfed her.
Make no mistake about it-I enjoy my job and I'm not half bad. But the sheer amount of work-related entries on this blog scares me. It is horribly out of balance to me. Perhaps my work is so important to me because I've been trying so hard for the past couple of years to slowly heal up the chip on my shoulder from my previous job-the one where my boss would whittle away at my self worth. Or perhaps it's because when I look at myself in the mirror, the reflection blurs itself-sometimes I see a beautiful girl, and sometimes I see someone whose plainness just subsumes her. And that ambiguity makes me turn to my job and my motherhood as things to be "good at," for I'm not "good at" looking any sort of striking.
But this is not good, and it causes me some amount of unnecessary stress. So tommorrow will be capped with a new resolution: tomorrow, save for a couple of phone calls, I'll spend the morning relaxing with Q, and then roll into work at 1 and wipe the slate semi-clean. And then on Tuesday, repeat. I won't let my job (regardless of how good it is) own me, at least not these next couple of days.
Posted by equilibrium-girl at October 9, 2005 05:33 PM