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Postings from a 20th Floor Hotel Room

I’m in a different town for the night-tomorrow morning I have a mid-morning meeting and then lunch with a new colleague. We’re supposed to coordinate on work plans, but neither my boss nor I have drafted an agenda or put together materials to bring along.

However, since my little sister lives in this particular town, I flew in a little early and together we dined on exquisite sushi and then an hour later consumed chocolate martinis and crème brulee on an outdoor patio as the evening turned the color of used bathwater. I’d lived in this town before for a handful of years, but in my opinion, it’s much nicer to be a visitor.

Business trips bring a much needed perspective. I come home from them with my heart aching and arms open, having not seen either The Governor or Conan for over 24 hours. No matter how poorly I slept in my hotel bed or how rumbly my stomach has become due to the inadequacy of mid-flight snacks, I sneak into The Governor’s room after he has been tucked into bed and I cuddle with him. If it late and he is asleep, I listen to the sound of his breaths and gaze at his long eyelashes resting on his now-slender cheeks. If he is still awake, I receive a waterfall of hugs and persistent cries not to go, which inevitably become too hard to resist.

Earlier this afternoon, I’m in the air, looking outside my window at clouds. I always want to reach out and grab handfuls of clouds, wondering if they feel grainy to the touch like cotton candy. I always buy books from the airport bookstore-this trip was no exception. My choice was a good one even though it wasn’t my standard, evenly-ended story containing a heroine who gains a holistic life perspective, promotion, and a boyfriend all at the same time. It made me pensive for the last five minutes of my flight. The stories were incredible to me-I can't fathom that they are real but they are. Lately, I've become acutely cognizant about the fact that I can never fully protect my son from "what's out there." I know that it's my job to raise and at some point let go, but I haven't been able to emotionally commit myself to that future sacrifice. Will I ever be? And if I try and prepare myself now, will it still be as painful when it happens?